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Thursday, December 11, 2008

Mortality and Murder

The small spider in brown inched across the carpet, and the small toddler in brown followed behind.

"I want to know what you are doing, Mr. Spider. What is it you are doing? Hey guys, what is Mr. Spider doing?"

As she peered at him, and crouched to take a closer look, the tall woman in blue interrupted. "Oh, baby, let's get a piece of paper and put the...."

And the tall man in black pressed his foot in Nike down, sponging the carpet but not enough to save the spider, victim of a father's casual over-protective murderous instinct.

"Pidey?" "Mr. Spider? Guys? Where is Mr. Spider guys?"

"I was going to say "Let's get a piece of paper and put the spider outside.""

"Oh. Sorry. I didn't hear you." Stifled laughter in spurts erupted out of the tall man in black, casual murderer of small spiders in brown.

"Pidey? Buh-bye pidey."

Occasionally, when she is feeling unusually patriotic the tall woman in blue will ask the tall man in black if he would like, in addition to whatever questionable activity he is enjoying, to go club some baby seals. This is her way of noting that he is originally from that miserable tundra north of the Lakes and River and Parallel known as "The Village", or "gu-NA-da" where his aboriginal cousins supplement their annual incomes with seal hunts on the ice flows in Labrador. Baby seals are particularly prized, and not because of their cuteness. He usually laughs it off, and remarks that it's the baby seals who make the best coats, and not because of their work ethic.

He is a murderer, and not to be trusted. His murderous ways are bound to influence and transform his innocent daughter into a casual Shiva, an indiscriminate assassin, a Sweater-unraveling un-Knitter. She is doomed to destroy.

The small toddler in brown returned to the tiny chalk outline over and over. "Buh bye pidey. Pidey? Pidey? Ba-bye!"

Eventually the tall woman in blue realized that the small toddler in brown was still in brown, her brown, as-yet-not-unraveled Sweater.

"Hey, take off your Sweater and stay a while, kid."

"No." The small toddler in brown is perfectly articulate in defiance.

"Baby, don't you want to take your Sweater off?"

"No. Pidey?"

"Are you going out? Do you want to go out?"

"No."

"Are you all dressed up? Do you want to go clubbing?"

"No."

And the tall man in black pounced on the moment like a toddler in brown pouncing on a pidey, or a pidey pouncing on a fly.

"Baby, do you want to go clubbin'.....baby seals?"

"Yes."

And there was no denying whose casually murderous daughter she was. She was dressed in brown, but cloaked in black, just like her father.

14 comments:

Heather said...

I can appreciate a man who squishes spiders.

ChurchPunkMom said...

awe.. how sweet! in a.. morbid kind of way.. lol.

Mr Lady said...

Outstanding. :)

Jessi Louise said...

This post was great. I am the spider killer in our house. My husband catches them and lets them go. I call him the Bug Whisperer.

SciFi Dad said...

Tall? Really?

That's not the word coming out of BlogHer...

However, kudos on your blossoming sociopath. ;)

Whirlwind said...

Haha... Very cute.

Last night, the girls were playing in the playroom and I heard the following.

Einey: "Aww look at the cute little spider"

Meenie: "AHHHH. A SPIDER! Let me go get a shoe".

Einey: No. It's cute and it's one of God's creatures, we can't kill it. Hurry up spider, crawl under the couch. This way. Hurry.

She managed to get the spider under the couch before her sister got back with a shoe.

for a different kind of girl said...

Bad ass.

The random spiders roam free here. Or they're captured in the bug house and I'm forced to look up what they can eat, all the while keeping the secret that they'll be dead before the weekend's out.

But you? Bad ass.

Also, kudos on the post title. It's very Lifetime Movie Channel!

Elisa said...

Ah, they poetry of it all. Beautiful, just beautiful.
Aside from the clubbing of baby seals, which I'm assuming is a metaphore ;-)

Wendy said...

Heh. You got her with the baby seals part, I'm sure. All the same, I'm picturing a toddler with a club and a snarl. Very Pet Semetary-esque. ;)

Miss Grace said...

It's important to teach the art of seal clubbing early.

Swirl Girl said...

why are they called "daddy long legs" anyway??

Twinsma said...

OMG. I f-ing HATE spiders. Go SuperDad is all I have to say. Teach her early...you'll have her swatting flies by New Year's.

Dto3 said...

My 12-year-old son screeched the other morning about a spider, insisting I kill it for him. I gently stated that he had on shoes and I was bare-footed and as such, the spider would be more efficiently murdered by him than by me. By the time this conversation ended, the spider was gone.

Backpacking Dad said...

Heather: I sentence all trespassing spiders to death by Nike.

ChurchPunkMom: I'm sweet, in a morbid kind of way.

Mr Lady: No you are.

Jessi Louise: The Bug Whisperer!

SciFi Dad: Why, were they just focused on how really really ridiculously good-looking I am? ;}

Whirlwind: Meenie is my kind of girl.

FADKOG: Meredith Baxter Burney (sp?) and Lorenzo Lamas will co-star.

Elisa: Not a metaphor. There are baby-seal clubbers. PETA and other groups get all crazy about it every hunting season.

Wendy: Yeah! Though wasn't that a scalpel.

Miss Grace: verbum

Swirl Girl: because they describe their own murder method?

TwinsMa: and using a fogger on paper wasps.

Dto3: And that's why dictatorships are always more efficient than democracies.