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Tuesday, December 9, 2008

I saved them all: A linkbait post

I bet when you had those business cards made you thought they'd just be thrown out by 95% of the people you gave them to. I bet you thought they'd be thrown out within days of handing them out. I bet you thought they'd definitely be thrown out by that dude skeeving out all the women, and you thought "Why the hell am I even bothering to give this dude a card?"

I came home each night during BlogHer '08 and added those cards to a growing pile, and eventually moved them to a zip top bag. I've been staring at them in that bag since July, saying to myself "Self, you will eventually get around to writing about each and every one of those things and the people responsible for them. You will do this because you are a loser with an abundance of free time suddenly and feel no guilt about blogging while your daughter is in daycare today instead of home with you and you need to kill some time before going to the movies in the middle of the day, again, while your daughter is in daycare responsible blogger, and each one of them, in their own way, was responsible for the great time you had and this is the least you can do."

But, memories being what they are, and my memory for names and people and faces being what it is, frankly I don't remember each and every person who gave me a card. And I've been surprised at how often I won't remember the person but I'll remember where I was standing, or who I was with. So yeah, sometimes I won't be able to write anything too personal, and you (the person who gave me the card) might think "That bastard. I talked to him for like 4 hours and he doesn't even remember me enough to say I had nice hair or told a great joke or asked him to please stop hitting on me?" and so, preemptively, for those I don't remember clearly and who are going to be ill-treated a little by this: you had awesome hair. It's kind of the reason I was hitting on you. That and the joke you told about the nun and the pastry chef; that was killer. I couldn't help myself. But I was way out of line, I agree.

Although this post is full of a lot of names and links to other people, always keep in mind that it's about me. I write about me. Even when doing so reveals how much of an ass I am.

The List, in a particular order (not of awesomeness or anything, just in the way I organized the cards: I put all the little ones together, all the regular sized ones together, all the over sized ones together, and all of the cards-that-aren't-cards together. So I'm starting with the non-cards, then the big cards, then the regular cards, then the little cards. No. Actually, I'm going to go the opposite way so that the little cards come first because I really believe it when everyone says "size doesn't matter" in that really patronizing way and I want to recognize the people with the little cards first. Not, though, because of any deep psychological reason. Stop laughing.) is as follows:

Jessica Spiegel and Sara Rosso: I was standing around talking to *name drop alert* Mike and Graham, forming a little Triangle of Bay Area Dad Blogging Fabulousness, when we were scythed by these two who stand out in my mind mostly because of (apart from the hair and the joke and the hitting on) the fact that they were both Italy bloggers/travel bloggers. Italy is cool.

Charlene from Crazed Parent: This is where I embarrassedly insert a comment about your hair and that joke about the wallaby and the kangaroo in the ass-kicking contest.

Christina from A Mommy Story: we were talking to *name drop* Liz from Mom101 in one of the conference rooms. Christina and I both write for Savvy Source (she's the City Editor for Columbus) and I gave her a chocolate bar. Because I am awesome.

Kim from Simply Me and Kim Orlandini Photography gave me her card, probably at Macy's. I don't remember if she told a joke because I'm pretty sure I was just too busy hitting on her despite everything *namedrop* Casey could do to stop me. The eyes.

Heather Spohr gave a card to me at one of the times I took a picture with her. For some not inexplicable reasons, I have more pictures with her than with anyone else. One reason? Her husband *namedrop* Mike wasn't around to stop me (although he was there, somewhere). Also, wine. I kept forgetting if I'd taken a picture with her already or not. Every day.

Graham, already mentioned in this post, gave me the best card of the weekend: Under his name it just says "dad". What he wants people to know about him the most is that he is a dad. Graham also writes for Savvy Source now, although at the time Mike was holding down that fort in San Francisco. And now Graham is a dad twice over.

Jen from One Plus Two has lovely hair, told awesome jokes, and was saved from me hitting on her by her chaperone, Tanis. Jen and I tried bonding over geography and political issues but Tanis just kept smuggling her off out of my clutches.

Heather from Desperately Seeking Sanity was the very first person to recognize me. We both wrote chapters of the Novel-in-progress at ChapterBytes, and we bonded over that and then later bonded over me embarrassing the hell out of her for personal amusement. I'm sure she's forgiven me by now. Maybe.

Victoria from VDog & Little Man gave me her card. And then I noticed how great her hair was and she told a fabulous joke about a woodpecker and Jerry Orbach, but I really wasn't listening because, you know, hitting on her. And although that's all I remember about our meeting we have subsequently become acquainted better (because Twitter has done what none of the business cards could, which is make me pay attention on a daily basis) and also she now writes for Savvy Source. And I think she really could tell a wicked joke about a woodpecker and Jerry Orbach.

Nadine from Martinis for Milk slipped me a card, and then gave me the slip before I could tell her how great her hair looked. As she was running away she shouted back "and then the horse says to the veterinarian..." and the rest was lost to carpeted corridors of the Westin.

Tanis, The Redneck Mommy gave me a card. Once it became clear she wasn't going to let me hit on Jen I tried hitting on her instead, because her hair was great, but she told a joke about me and that time I tried out for the high school basketball team, and I had to go find some wine to try to recover.

Marie Millard gave me a card and then I went a-rhyming. I am confused by the other name on the card: Nancy. Could it be that her name is not, in fact, Marie Millard? Another example of Twitter's superiority over physical business cards: I actually read a post about menopause over on her blog the other day just because she Tweeted the link.

Carmen of Mom to the Screaming Masses gave me a card and Headless Mom gave me a muffin that Carmen had made her walk all over San Francisco to go buy. Carmen also gave me a Zwaggle t-shirt. Carmen kicks ass. Really. She could kick my ass.

Casey from Moosh in Indy gave me a card, and it may have been while we were lounging on couches upstairs at Macy's. She has fabulous hair, but it was her friend I was hitting on. Casey also writes for Savvy Source; she's the City Editor for Indianapolis.

Let me just say this about The Weirdgirl: She has weird hair. It freaks me out. But, that didn't stop me from hitting on her while she tried to distract me with a joke about George Bush and Rasputin.

I have a card from Zip 'n' Tizzy. I can't remember her hair, because apparently she wears a box on her head while she walks around. Yeah, I think I remember someone walking around with a box on her head the whole weekend. And I definitely remember hitting on that box.

Christine at Watch Me, No Watch Me! (which is probably the best name for a blog I've ever seen and cracks me the hell up) handed me a card then used her hair like a kung fu master's braid to whip me in the face so I'd stop hitting on her. And she just inspired me to go check out my Safeway Club Card points to see if I can get gas for .38/gallon.

Average Jane handed me a card at the BlogHims session that *namedrop* Karl was chairing and Brian attended, bringing the total of dad bloggers in the room to two. I don't remember much of that session, but I did mention my reluctance to talk during any of the other sessions because it didn't seem like my place to do so. One of the ladies in the room (possibly Average Jane, but I honestly don't remember) disagreed very strongly with that. And now I butt in everywhere and damn the "appropriateness" of it.

Schmutzie handed me a card in the lobby of the Westin as she was being maneuvered through the hall by a group of handlers. Or so it seems to me in my foggy memory. No time to chat! But she did stop for a second to say hi. I think she was going to the Cheeseburger Party. I never did make it up the elevator to that before it got shut down.

Michele from Sparks and Butterflies gave me a card and told a very off-colour joke about a monk and a weasel and said "touch my hair!" and I did because it is amazing.

I have a card with a dog tag on it from Military Mama. I'm pretty sure her hair kicked ass, her joke kicked ass, and she would have kicked my ass if I tried to hit on her. Dog tags are awesome.

Adrienne of Adrienne's House gave me a card, and then watched from her Macy's couch perch as I embarrassed myself posing for a picture. Then she called me cute on Twitter.

Lucretia of Geekmommy was sitting with Adrienne, I think, and was also there on Thursday night when I was walking around with a bottle of vodka and making people take shots in honour of Aunt Becky who couldn't be there.

I have a cool spiral graphic card from Shannon of Shannon Sez So. Her hair was amazing: it was like a red, orange, yellow, and purple...uh...spiral. And not only did I hit on her: I chimed in on the punchline to the "How many nuclear physicists....?" joke. "Not if we don't get him down from there we won't!"

I met Jenny of Absolutely Bananas and Seattle Mom Blogs at the People's Party and it was remembering that there was a Seattle Mom Blogs site that helped streamline the planning for our weekend in Seattle in early September. So, thanks Jenny :}

I met Lawyer Mama?? So, I know most of my "I don't remember this but here's some hair funny" entries are annoying. And I would do another one here, but here is a person I knew of before BlogHer, met, continue to follow after BlogHer, and I have no memory of meeting her. It's like someone else gave me her card. What the hell? Oh, and nice hair; lawyers are hot; and that "how many philosophers does it take to screw-in a lightbulb" was hilarious.

Diane from Of the Princess and the Pea (another fabulous blog name) made me beg her for a card. Like I was going to just throw it away if she gave me one. I can understand her reluctance, though, because it is a striking card. The graphic, a pea with a tiara on it, in black and white, is just perfect. When I tried to hit on her she looked down her nose at me and said "Peasant! Hast thou heard'st the one about the three-legged astronaut and the robot from 'The Day the Earth Stood Still'?"

And another Momocrat that I really ought to remember meeting because I knew who she was before BlogHer rolled around: Glennia Campbell. Where the hell was I while all of this meeting was going on? It would be like going to a Star Trek convention and meeting Brent Spiner and then getting home to discover Brent Spiner's autograph on your forehead and having no recollection of ever meeting Brent Spiner. (Sorry, I like Data.)

Missy from Meanwhile Back at the Ranch, an Aussie visiting from, uh, Australia, sat down with me while I was sitting at a big lonely table in the big hall during the BlogHer keynote. She gave me a card and a pencil I believe and her enthusiasm about meeting me really made my day. Because really? It's like I'm famous in Australia. Or so I will tell my grandkids someday: "Kids, gramps is pretty sure he is famous in Australia. Let's ask Missy."

Anne from Tales from My Tiny Kingdom left me her card and with a broken heart. Her perfect hair, her excellent dirty limericks. They were overwhelming and I certainly behaved in a most uncouth way. So, I'm sorry for that. But I DON'T REGRET IT!!

Oh, The Joys is smart and all, but she's a total fangirl. I didn't even have time to hit on her for her awesome hair before she was hitting on me for my awesome hair. And where did that leave us? Dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria. That's where.

Sarah, of Sarah and the Goon Squad and her awesome bottle opener non-card. It's been used to open a Stella Artois. She also went off with that bottle of vodka I brought and I've no idea what became of it because she claims not to like vodka.

Elizabeth of Table 4 Five gave me a card that is actually a refrigerator magnet. Which is good because I need something to hold up that note on the fridge that says "Nice try. I know how great my hair looks. But let's stay friends. Hey, what's the difference between a microwave and a Snicker's bar?"

Digital Sista slipped me a note. She had run out of cards but insisted that I take her note with her info on it anyway. And I did. So, Digitial Sista, you did not waste your time by hand writing a note to me. I saved it!

Kaiser Alex gave me what looks like just a picture of her boobs in a tank top. It's not even a card. It's on Kodak paper. It is also dated on the back and the date is my birthday, so I'm just going to go ahead and pretend this was a birthday present for me and that no one else got one.

And last, but not least, is the best card I was given all weekend (Sorry Kaiser Alex, but this one wins): Naked Jen's "I Got Naked at BlogHer08" card that is just a picture of her. Topless. Her hair? Smokin' hot dreads. Her joke? "Here, have a 'card'." Hit on her? I think I'm still hitting on her just by looking at the card.


And that, folks, is the longest entry I've ever written. It was filled with lies, but they ought to be easy to figure out. It was filled with truths, but also, they ought to be easy to figure out.

It was also the most topical entry I've ever written. Because BlogHer only happened, what, five months ago?

If you think you gave me a card and you wonder why you aren't on the list here, it's because (a) I accidentally dropped it somewhere or (b) NO YOU DIDN'T BECAUSE SERIOUSLY, LOOK AT THIS LIST. I KEPT THEM ALL.


As I was going through these cards I was flipping them over (many were double-sided) and I came across one very special one. On the back this person had written their telephone number.

Someone slipped me their digits! And I didn't even notice until today!

I won't tell you who it was. Because it's awesome to not know. Suspect everyone! Ask your friends if it was them, then don't believe them because it totally was! What's this? This is me starting trouble for my own amusement!

Have a nice day. :}


Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Am I first? For realz??? I totally forgot what I was going to write now...

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

OK, I remember now.

I SO wish I was at Blogher for these reasons:

1. I would have totally had some cool card to give you so you would have written something about ME, and

2. I would have (possibly) gotten cards with hot chicks' boobs on them and that would be awesome.

I am definitely going next year. I should start designing my card right now...

ChurchPunkMom said...


lol... this kind of makes me want to go to BlogHer... kind of.. ;)

Heather said...

I'm undecided still about going to BlogHer. If I did then that would mean something...I'm not sure what it would mean, but it would be something.

Redneck Mommy said...

I've got nothing.

You've rendered me speechless with how full of sh*t you really are.


bejewell said...

Great. Now you've given me the freaks about making business cards that don't suck for BlogHer '09. Not to mention the angst, oh the angst, over all the business cards I didn't make and didn't hand out because I wasn't at '08.

Clearly I have a LOT more whining to do before July rolls around. I'd better get to work!

jen said...

but hey Tanis - did you read that he likes my hair?

the weirdgirl said...

Oh my god. You got that thing about my hair from my business card because you TOTALLY don't remember me! Well let me refresh you... it was in a big room? With a lot of people? Mostly women? And I said (all perky), "Hi Backpacking Dad!" And you mumbled, "Hello." And I said (again all perky), "Hey where are you from in the Bay Area?" Because, you know, we're NEIGHBORS. And you answered and then just kind of stared at me like I was freaking you out. So I said, "Um, OK then, see you around," and I slunk away in rejection and I was definitely NOT hit on!


And my hair is fabulous. (I can also shoot flames out of other places.)

Adrienne said...

I don't think cute was the word I used, I think it was more like freaking HAWT!

Flattered that you remembered.

See you in Chicago?

Stimey said...

Dude. My cards are still in the Ziploc. One day I will follow through on my pledge to comment on the site of every blogger I got a card from. One day.

We didn't meet at BlogHer, but if we had, you would be the proud owner of a "Visit Scenic Stimeyland" luggage tag. Good stuff. Not topless stuff. But good stuff.

PAPATV said...

I think next Blogher I'll just break my arm get a cast and let everyone sign my arm cast.

Totally memorable and nostalgic.

ShallowGal said...

I could have sworn we met at BlogHer but I can't confirm or deny that because, I shit you not, I threw out my ziploc bag full of cards yesterday.

xoxo, Amy

Redneck Mommy said...

I *told* you Jen, he liked you um, HAIR.


I totally meant hair.

Carmen said...

I'm completely flattered that you think I can kick your ass.

I totally can, now that I'm testing for GREEN belt in a month. Not that I'm bragging, or anything, but, hello - belts in two martial arts.

Seriously, this is, I think, the most extensive list I've ever seen. I'm stunned that you did this.

for a different kind of girl said...

While I was not present at BlogHer, I can assure you that my hair? 'Tis legendary...

Headless Mom said...

How did you not get a headless doll from me? You only got a card? Sheesh, I sucked on giving those out, didn't I?

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

I can't remember who ended up with that bottle of vodka, but I'm sure we made them very happy.

And I just remembered I do like bloody Marys.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

Oh, and I save all my cards too. I even have the cards I got at Blogher '06. I'm pretty sure my husband thinks I am crazy.

Kelley said...

Dude, you totally met me. And had your pic taken with me after I was molested by Tanis.

And you don't remember?

Hrumph. However that is spelled or spelt or written down...

And my hair sir, my hair is totally awesome.

Oh, The Joys said...

In your dreams, my friend. Heh.

Is this payback for me publishing the true fact of you nominating every post you've EVER written for a ROFL award?

Mama Smurf said...

I'm impressed. REALLY impressed. That you remembered all these people...and if you didn't, then I'm impressed that you faked your way through it so well.

Michele said...

So... If you could SHARE the weasel and monk joke I apparently shared with you, I'd love to know it. Heh. Also - I was Schmutzie's handler. Although it was more like we were holding each other up and looking for a beer. But, you're right. I have great hair.

Kimberly said...

How did I not meet you? I was the drunk blonde the first night and then the hungover/green one the following morn/day/eve. Surely, you couldn't have missed someone green, could you?

crazedparent said...

I'm bald and the wallaby story wasn't a joke.


Mom101 said...

You deserve some sort of award for this.

Also for going through all your cards. Mine are still in my bag.

I know.

Jessica, WhyGo Italy said...

Pleased to be included on such an epic list. Pleased especially to be first, even if it *is* only b'cuz I have little business cards. And it was a pleasure to meet you way back then, too! :)

dawn224 said...

You totally forgot to mention that my Kodak picture was an 8 x 10!

Nancy said...

I'm impressed with the fact you didn't just run down a list of names.

I too saved all the cards in a zip lock bag ... still waiting for me to go through and look at their blogs.

I'm a tool for not thinking to post them, like this, even though it's 5 months later, lol

And yes, I'm Nancy ... read the first post to see the reason why the blog is Marie Millard.

Lawyer Mama said...

Dude, I'm so disappointed that you don't remember me! It's a damn good thing I have a healthy sized ego or I'd have to start sobbing about how the cute blogger didn't notice me. (-;

Let's see, I met you a couple of times. But I think you were pretty toasted when I gave you the card. You were standing with Carmen during the Macy's "drink on every floor" shindig. I took a photo of the two of you. Now see, next time, I will have someone take a photo of *us* so you can remember who the hell I am! LOL!

Sarcastic Mom said...

So, I'm scrolling through my reader, and I'm all, "I haven't read Shawn's stuff in awhile, let me see..."

And here's this post. With not one mention of my boobs.