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Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Theft of a Quill (A Promissory Note Fulfilled)

We arose, her and I, glacial. Because she is smaller, her tiny heart pumped her brain full of bloody brilliance at a faster pace than my overgrown engine. Despite the extra neural-nutrition, she pronounced "Mama?" I replied "Dada." She insisted, incorrectly: "Mama?" And I corrected: "Dada."

"Mi, mi, mi, mi," she said aloud. "Give over my morning heifer hallucinogen, cad," she projected at me in my still near-defenseless state.

"Surely this morning we can forgo your usual cloudy concoction and instead partake of a genuine juice. Or some water. How about some water, kid?"

"Mi, mi, mi, mi." "Lookee, sir. Pour the moo-juice or you risk your earlobe the next time you seek a sweet embrace."

"Very well, you win." I alit from my nocturnal nest to procure her blanche bottle.

"Miiiiii......," she offered with a sigh, sinking back into her pillow and puffy pink pig.

Next stop on the Early Express: breakfast.

"Eggs, kid?"

"Are you hungry?"

"'oo?"

"Yes. Food. But why must you always seek after a more precise idea of what we do here? Rather than, when I inquire as to your stomach-state, ask if I am going to provide some food, why don't you just say "Yes, father, I am indeed hungry and will be happy to ingest whatever vittle you volunteer"?"

"'oo?"

"You win. Here's some food."

After a wipe-bath we resumed our journey toward noon.

"What do you want to wear today, kid?"

"doot-doo?"

"Ah. Your diaper. Your pouch for poo. Your purse for pee. Need it changed, do you?"

"doot-doo?" "Do not try my patience sir. Exchange this soiled anchor for a clean 'mallowy wrap and you shall earn my eternal gratitude. Betray me, and I will offer you nothing beyond The Littlest Pinch."

"There, diaper: changed. Pants: panted. Shirt: buttoned."

"Wa? Wa? Wa?"

"Ah, now that we are near departing you wish some water, do you?"

"WaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa......". "Yes."

"Ok, kid. Drink up, for I plan on dehydrating you for the rest of the day. I can only tolerate one sanitary switch, and you've already cashed in your shit chit and pee penny."

"Ready to go, kid?"

.....

"What are you eating?"

.....

"Come back."

.....

"Success! I have you now! You are trapped, locked and secured in our dorsal device, and here, I lift, and slip straps and buckle belts. Keys. Door, open. Exuent!"

"Doot-doo?"

"We're just staying in today aren't we?"

"I win, guys."

19 comments:

Swirl Girl said...

You always manage to coax a smile and an audible guffaw out of my snarky grin.

For that, I thank you.

www.swirlgirlspearls.blogspot.com

Badass Geek said...

I'm going to start referring to my secondary bathroom functions as "doot-do", just to see what reaction I get from my wife.

SciFi Dad said...

"you've already cashed in your shit chit and pee penny"

LOL!

for a different kind of girl said...

I don't know whether to blame you or profess my mad love for the fact that I will now walk around here for the rest of the day - ok, seriously, I mean well into next week - saying poop pouch and pee purse. This will seem odd to those I live and work with considering no one wears diapers (at least that I'm aware of), but I defy them to stop me.

Kaza said...

Shit chit? Pee penny? Dude, that's funneh! I'm glad my friend Catnip tweeted about you... she was right, you are a... how did she put it? Oh yes, FREAKING RIOT! I'm a Chapterbytes reader, so I'll look forward to learning the knife's take on the goings-on. ;)

Don Mills Diva said...

"Shit chit and Pee penny."

Heh.

Backpacking Dad said...

swirl girl: guffawing out of a snarky grin sounds painful :}

badass geek: Yeah, you'd think that she was saying "doo doo", but really she's saying "diaper". She just has a heavy accent. I think it's Welsh.

scifi dad: nice to see even clone troopers can laugh :}

FADKOG: I don't think I want to know to what you will refer as "poop pouch".

kaza: it's going to be "ow ow ow why does she keep grinding that metal stick against me??"

don mills diva: I love that you stopped by, made the effort to click into the comments, quoted a passage, and then typed three letters. Actions speak louder than words.

mumma boo said...

They always win, the cute little buggers.

Yolanda Elvira said...

i--love--your goofy silly posts.

i can see the kid DEMANDING "oo". in the small, perfect, demanding way these kids do.

Manager Mom said...

Very cute.

Just remember, they ALWAYS win.

Mandy said...

witty. almost existential.

if a baby could talk, but no one was around to hear her/him...

given this comment and the one i just left at cynical dad's i've either had too much coffee or not nearly enough.

womaninawindow said...

I'm afraid to write something. ie, Don Mills Diva rebuke. Stop coming back here and dissecting everything!

OK, first, I thought I knew you and for some f'd reason that always scares me...just by your picture that floats around aside your comments. But no, never been to Taiwan, eh? And then your daughter has my name? WTF? Yes, you stole it. I don't know you, though, right?

It's good to read more dad's out there...should light a fire under my husband. Oh, and suggest he blog, too.

Backpacking Dad said...

mumma boo: yeah they do

yolanda: will. write. silly. posts. more. oftener.

manager mom: indeed.

mandy: not enough. WAKE UP!!

womaninawindow: I didn't rebuke DMD! I was really sincere that even though she only typed three letters her intention shone through with the deliberate and considered actions she took. That was affection, right there, and I appreciated it. But no, I've never been to Taiwan. And dad bloggers rock.

Ali said...

oh how i love baby-speak...and, i guess, baby-non-speak. heh.

womaninawindow said...

erm, sorry, thought that was sarcasm but kinda relieved it wasn't. see by my lack of capitals that i've been admonished...

MadWoman said...

Will you ever learn never to challenge the diaper clad short folk that populate the lower heights of our lives? We shall never win against them. It's a futile fight to even attempt really.

By the way....moved my blog...this is the new link

http://mindofamadwoman.blogspot.com

Backpacking Dad said...

Ali: baby-telepathy

womaninwindow: I'm going to start crying any second now. Oh, the guilt! :} And if you're in Ontario maybe you DO know me....Kingston, Cornwall, U of T....Carp (that's going back a long time though).

Backpacking Dad said...

MadWoman: Thanks Meg! Welcome to Blogger :}

Raychel Celeste said...

I enjoy reading your blog. I thought I'd make it known instead of being a lurking blogger.