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Tuesday, June 24, 2008

In which I write some Chick Lit

So, I told everyone that I was coerced into invited to write some Chick Lit over at ChapterBytes, right? Well, I wrote my chapter today and I sent it over. But because you are all loyal readers I thought I'd give you the first look at the chapter.

The story is called "Foodie", and so far it is about a woman named Malorie who enters a culinary school and is paired up with some uber-dude named Evan (the girls writing this story all really seem to like Evan for some reason or another). As the story progresses the romance grows (you'll have to read the chapters for the details), until in the prior chapter to mine we see Malorie totally peeved that some uber-chick named Celine seems to have taken a shine to Evan. Instant hatred, apparently.

So, my chapter follows this initial realization that Malorie hates Celine in a really insane kind of way.


Foodie: Chapter 6

That night she made some calls.

“Hello, Hiro?”


“This is Malorie. Do you remember a little promise you made to me after I pulled you out of the path of that runaway tank?”


“Well, I need that favor paid back. Can you meet me outside the Blue Agave restaurant at ten tonight?”


“Hey. Warner.”

“Oh, hi Malorie.”

“Warner I need some help. Can you meet me outside the Blue Agave restaurant at ten tonight?”

“Sure Malorie. Should I bring anything?”

“How about some arsenic?”

“You got it, babe.”

“Hey! Remember what happened the last time you called me “babe”. Do you want to lose your other kidney?”

“Sorry ma'am. I'll see you later.”


She waited in the dark, just outside the golden glow of the wall lamp outside the back door of the Blue Agave. At promptly ten she heard footsteps, and she called out: “Hi Warner.”

“How did you know it was me?” he asked.

“Because I'm only expecting two people here tonight and one of them makes no sound at all when he moves. In fact, I'm going to go ahead and guess that he's already here...aren't you Hiro?”


“Hiro, Warner. Warner, Hiro.”



“Gentleman. I have a problem. I would like you to help me solve this problem. Her name is Celine Richelieu...”

“I love her father's restaurant!” exclaimed Warner.

“You aren't making yourself any friends here, bub.”


"Anyway, Celine Richelieu thinks she can get any guy she wants, and she has aimed her grabby little hands and perky boobs at a guy I'm kind of interested in. So...Warner. I'd like you to slip into her father's....”

“I gotcha...poison the coq au vin, right?”

“Exactly. I want him ruined. When people hear the name 'Richelieu' I want them to remember gagging, gasping death. And Hiro...”


“I want you to....”

“Ninja the hell out of her?”


“You got it babe.”

“Thanks Hiro.”

“Hey!” Warner shouted, “why does Hiro get to call you 'babe' without you threatening to take his kidney?”

“Because Hiro is a time-traveling, time-stopping, super-ninja from NBC's hit show Heroes. He can get away with a lot of stuff that you can't, kidney-boy.”

“Gotcha babe. Aw, dammit!”


“It's too bad about Warner.”

“Yeah, but what was I supposed to do? Just let him call me 'babe' and not take his other kidney?”

“True, but now who's going to poison all of Richelieu's customers?”


A shadow slipped from rooftop to rooftop, eventually stopping at the edge of one grand New York palace. Flipping over the side it slithered into an opening no human ought to have been able to squeeze into.

Hiro pulled out his awesome ninja sword and crept along the hallway leading to Celine's apartment. He ninja'd his way past the locked door and into her bedroom. He raised his awesome ninja sword and brought it slicing down onto the Celine-shaped lump on the bed.


“Coward!” came Celine's voice from above. Hiro looked up and there she was, dressed in her wizard's robes and floating above him. A fireball lanced out from her hands “Ha-do-ken!” she yelled.

Hiro immediately teleported back to Malorie.

“What happened? Why do you smell like baby-back ribs?”

“She knew I was coming. She is too powerful. She is a wizard!”

“Oh, fuck her.”

Malorie pondered for a second. “Okay, now she knows we're up to something, so you'd better go stand watch over Evan. I don't want her getting anywhere near him.”

“Hai. But what will you do?”

“I'm going to go get my troll-powered laser tank out of storage. Then I'm going to blast her into oblivion, and then I'm going to marry Evan and we're going to have lots of perfect babies. You can be the ring-bearer.”



Oh, of course that isn't the real chapter (although I really did send that one in first.)

For the real chapter go on over to ChapterBytes and read my very first attempt at Chick Lit. It may not be up yet, but it should be up soon.



The Over-Medicated Housewife said...

Doesn't chick lit involve some sort of mention about Manolos or something? Funny though...I know of a Blue Agave restaraunt in Pleasanton, CA. Great chapter!

Danielle said...

Ummmm. I LOVE Blue Agave....

Favorite favorite.

Crap. Now it's midnight here and I'm hungry.

sweets said...

i'm new, hi!

very funny chapter... although i have to admit i'm not buying the book ;)~

hiro is my hero... seriously...

catnip said...

Darn, you posted it before I got a chance! LOL. I love it. Yes, the real one is up now.

Badass Geek said...


You turned a noun into a verb.

Is... is that even possible?

Swirl Girl said...

Ah, you wrte the original screenplay for Kung Fu Panda , didn't you? Before they went with the actual movie version, right??

No seriously, is this supposed to be funny?

Backpacking Dad said...

over-medicated housewife: Oh, that's right. I forgot the Blahnik's. Crap.

danielle: I was honestly just making a name up. It never occured to me that it was an actual restaurant.

sweets: hi! But don't you want to see how Hiro handles the soldier-beetles' kidnap attempt on Evan and his resourceful use of mayonnaise? All of this, and more, in the next chapter.

catnip: sweet. I think I should be paid double for writing two. No, triple, because this one is so awesome.

badass geek: yeah, I totally verbed that noun.

swirl girl: ouch. And yes. Maybe you had to be there.

attiton said...

Hiro's an LOLcat?

"Oh, hai. Am totally ur ninjuh."

for a different kind of girl said...

Where is the bodice ripping and heaving bosoms? Where is the flowing manly mane of golden flax hair? Where is Malorie's successful side career as a book publisher/magazine peon/powerful PR exec? Was Malorie considered frumpy because she always wore her hair in a bun and had prim little glasses, but emerged like a beautiful butterfly when the right man came along and saw within her soul (after removing said prim glasses and ripping said bodice, of course)?

Eh, screw it. I dig ninjas. Hell, I might actually be one. I can't tell you that, though, so just pretned I didn't say it, or the next thing you know, bam, I'm behind you, then darkness...

Backpacking Dad said...

attiton: nice to see someone thinks exactly like I do :}

FADKOG: I was assured that Chick-lit is somehow different from romance novels: no bodice-ripping (or bodices, really) or flaxen-hairdness involved. :}

Danielle said...


High end tequila's, yummy food.

I guess I saw this post and thought it must be a chain. Guess not. It would sort of be a long drive for you...

Mary Beth said...

Great chapter - love the nicknames for Celine. Although, I must confess I like the one posted here better. How can you go wrong with ninjas and wizards with fireballs?

kate said...

Now that is the kind of chicklit I'd actually want to read

Michelle said...

Wow if that were the real chapter I SO would have gone to read the rest of the story. Now? Eh, maybe.

kate said...

Now that is the kind of chicklit I'd actually want to read

MadWoman said...

I'd probably read more chick lit if it read like that. I am all about the ninjas and wizards and vampires.

I'm off to read the real chapters....

Good job.

catnip said...

Paid. HA HA.

We're so going with scifi on the next "book."

kittenpie said...

I like this better than chicklit. Can you finish it up for me, please?

Manager Mom said...

I think ALL chick lit from here on out should include ninjas...

mumma boo said...

Do you have a schematic for your troll-powered laser tank? Because I think you could get some serious merchandising tie-ins here, just in time for the holiday season. Real chapter or not, you're damn funny!

Anonymous said...

LOL! I read the real Chapter 6 first, and then read this one! You are very funny!

Lock the cat in the closet?? Hmmmm.