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Friday, February 13, 2009

Redneck Shower

Redneck Shower:  A coffee mug's worth of Sanka residue and cold water thrown in your face as you sleep on the couch.

Redneck Baby: A five year old that you just now realize is your kid.

Redneck Baby Shower: (1) A watering can emptied over the kid's head after he's played with the pigs for an hour. (2) A party for a new mom that involves lots of old flannel and cowboy boots.

Tanis, The Redneck Mommy, has had a Redneck Baby. That is, she's had a five year old. I know. She's hasn't had any of the long lead time that someone who has a baby the old fashioned way, after getting knocked up at the drive-in, would have. It's happened so quickly: the idea was conceived, the thought gestated and developed, soundings taken and the first introduction made, laborious, sweating effort through bureaucratic contractions was endured, but suddenly, there's a little dude sitting there at her ranch.

I can claim some small knowledge of matters redneck: I've had the coffee mug of Sanka and cold water thrown in my face as I slept on the couch. I've milked cows. I attended an elementary school you had to pass a pig farm to get to. I read Playboy magazines in a hayloft and swam in a sand quarry. No matter how suburban my existence now, I'll always be a bit of a redneck.

But I've got nothing on Tanis. Her kids are doomed, and this new one, her son, a son she didn't even know for five years but who is so obviously her son no matter that the government calls it an adoption, well, he is doomed thrice over. Because not only will Tanis be raising yet another redneck, but her already rednecked brood can help destroy this kid's dentition and fashion sense. Lookout dude, they're coming for your sophistication and they're bringing you some overalls.

Congratulations Tanis. I'm awed and proud.

15 comments:

Deb on the Rocks said...

I didn't know what a Redneck Shower was. I only knew that a Redneck Bubblebath is a bowl of beans and 6-pack of Coors. So thank you for completing my education.

What a lucky boy!

motherbumper said...

Yes siree, we are all a little redneck, we just have to know how to get in touch with that side (it's the fun one).

Ashlie- Mommycosm said...

Aww, see, you DO like her.

You're just like that boy in 3rd grade...the one who picks on his crush and pulls her hair.

Shh. We won't tell.

Peggy said...

That was so sweet! Are rednecks and hillbillies the same thing? Just wonderin.

Congratulations and best wishes to Tanis, her posse and her new youngun!

Her Bad Mother said...

Laughing out loud at Deb On The Rocks.

All Canadians are rednecks at heart. You know how hard it was for me to NOT quote Bob and Doug extensively in that shower post?

Mr Lady said...

Thrice. Those are Shakespearean head bugs, right?

Jerri Ann said...

You rock as a friend I hope you know that! Not my friend, but Tanis's friend, she spoke so highly of you this past weekend at Blissdom.....

Sarcastic Mom said...

Mmmm, sanka.

JenPB said...

First of all, I have to say, I OWN that trailer...in that color! OK, it's not THAT trailer, but it's pretty damned close and it was originally that color. Thankfully, the guy who owned it before me was working toward cammo (which I'm equally thankful he did not complete) so we have a paintjob, while flat and from spray cans, that nearly matches the color scheme of our tow vehicle. Still, when we pulled in to Glacier National Park last summer, I couldn't help but hear the college kids in the campground next to us commenting. First up, "Look at the fucking hobo-mobile."

Yep...I'm a redneck mommy in a fucking hobo-mobile.

(I think they appreciated the fire wood we provided them, though.)
Here's my little rig:
http://jenpb.blogspot.com/2008/06/meet-junior.html

Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting said...

Congrats to Tanis!

LMAO @ Deb!

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

Wow, thanks for the redneck education. I feel a little bit dumber now. That was the point right?

And congrats to Tanis! That's awesome!

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

So overalls *aren't* in this year? Fuck. My mother is a liar.

Redneck Mommy said...

I spent the better part of today trying to teach the Kid how to quack like Donald Duck.

Who needs to learn how to speak?

As long as I can teach him to fetch me the wine bottle and cork screw and amuse me with my Looneytunes imitation, the kid will have it made.

Thank you Burns.

From the bottom of my redneck heart.

Assertagirl said...

For some reason when I read the words "awed and proud", what I actually read was "odd and proud", which has an entirely different meaning.

harmzie said...

@ redneck mommy -- until your kids can safely (and, of course, quickly) wield a corkscrew, you need to switch to screw-top. Many are actually quite drinkable!