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Friday, August 29, 2008

The Moobs List

I'm jumping on a bandwagon, setting fire to it, and leaving everyone who noticed said bandwagon writhing in agony at the sight before their eyes. If FADKOG, Ali, and Megan are the fearless pioneers and homesteaders full of Manifest Destiny and expanding west of the Mississipi, I am the Sioux Chief who says "Dude. Remember that treaty and the whole, 'Oh, we promise we aren't going to go anywhere outside of this small band of land we are using as a way to get from one side of the Dakotas to the other,' thing you swore? Yeah, see those Black Hills you and Custer are standing on? Not part of the deal. Best circle your wagons because I'm about to burn them down and adopt your children into my tribe."

The hell? What am I talking about? That's a load of nonsense, and a poor metaphor, but I'm gimping along today because my brain is exhausted from trying to outthink people at a hundred miles an hour, and my hamstring is broken from trying to out-lunge people at a much slower rate of speed than that. I am out of shape, and fencing is hard.

So. What?

I'm talking about a recent spate of lists of things that are awesomeomgilovethem: Things that are "the tits".

Things that are the tits are great. But, you know what? Some things are not the tits. Some things are the moobs. These things suck. They suck like a twisted fetishist gagging on a moob.

Sorry. You don't know what a moob is? Loralee has a picture that ought to make it clear:

mancleavage42

(Note: I am in no way implying that this is a picture that Loralee took of herself. Don't send me hate mail. That means you, Tanis.)

Ok, now that you have the idea (and if you still don't I'll spell it out: Man-Boob. Moob.), here is a list of Things That Are "The Moobs":

Big Bird's Birdketeers. Why can't they just leave Oscar the hell alone? I was watching an episode of Sesame Street and they went up to Oscar's can where he was sleeping or something and just started singing/counting at the top of their lungs and when he came out to say "Yo, @(W)hoorl @(T)hebloggess @(F)adkog dudes?" they laughed and told him he had to sing and count with them. I love kids. I love kids singing. But if some neighbor kids started yelling outside my window while I was napping I'd be grouchy too. I've started to have a lot of sympathy for Oscar. I now call him Oscar the Victim.

Leafblowers. Even worse than the Birdketeers, because these suckers always show up during my naptime. I haven't had a good nap in weeks.

People who wave me through at intersections. I know, this sounds weird, right? I mean, what could be mooby about people who stop their cars at stop signs and insist that I go first, whether I'm on my bike or driving? They're so nice. Yes. But if I'm driving or on my bike I don't need people to be nice. I need them to be predictable. So when I stop at an intersection I just need everyone to do what they are supposed to do as good drivers, and the world will work like clockwork and I don't have to sit there insisting that "No, really, you go and stop making me look like an ass for waiting my turn."

Politics. Stop making me look like an chump for playing fair.

Yes Dear. Because every time I watch this stupid show (why am I watching it???) I think "Yeah, brutha! Tell it like it is! Kids really are like that! Marriage really is like that!" Dammit. Then I take a nap (or try to, if the leafblowers aren't out) and when I wake up I remember: this show sucks.

Hamstrings. Because when they hurt they hurt in a way you don't notice until you stand up and try to chase your daughter around the living room.

Moobs. Because. Seriously.

The end of summer. Because as the summer ends, so too does my year at home with Erin. I return to school full time at the end of September, and Erin goes into daycare. That's all I have to say about that right now.

34 comments:

kateanon said...

Moobs are scary. I must now go and burn the corneas off.

Oscar may have been a grouch, but he had his reasons.

for a different kind of girl said...

You have some hot, hot moobs. Do you have any photos of them you'd maybe email me on the sly?

Does anyone even say "on the sly"? No. So I am going to say that is a moob.

Here's what else I think sucks moobs:

- DQ Blizzards that look delicious and loaded with peanut butter cup goodness. Then you get to the middle and learn, once again, you've been gyped. Thanks, DQ. Thanks for nothing.

- Never being the very first commenter on Backpacking Dad.

- Five hours of sleep a night, teased with the hope of getting a nap, and then being wide awake all day

- Pesky neighbor kids.

-- Sausage patties. Long live the link

Seriously. You know my email...

;)

Megan said...

Delurking to say: If there's anything worse than moobs, it's the end of stay at home parenthood.

Secondly, that pic seems to be following me wherever I go. I think it was in my dream last night. Gah.

Ali said...

we've already discussed this...but people who use the microwave at work for FISH. EW.

also? "i can haz" it needs to go.

drew barrymore.

gladiator sandals.

apathetic bliss said...

Amen to the moobs, brutha!!!

I would also like to add powerwashers to the list right next to leafblowers!

And I am so with you on the "nice" people who wave through the intersections....WTF?

Aunt Becky said...

That moob is hott.

Swirl Girl said...

Moobs...hahahahahaha

I am Oscar all the way! Don't interrupt my sleep for a stinkin' happy song, or breakfast or the need to go potty.

also- I e.hat school fundraisers. School lunches, paying for preschool 'cuz my kid is too young for public school.

I intensely dislike undies that shrink after the first wearing thus the need for the expression "don't get your knickers in a twist"

I mildly dislike burnt garlic (although I kind of like the taste- I don't like the smell) and the whole D.N.C coverage.

Mandy said...

you know, i'm pretty sure i have a moob list somewhere, but right now i'm buried in a pile of snotty kleenex and i'm wondering how all my brains are managing to melt out my nose.

anna said...

No, no, no--"moobs" are what you call the boobs of a pregnant woman, silly.

T. said...

I have seen that picture over at Loralee's, but at first glance it looks like a hairy butt!

Things I think are moobs:

*taking kids on errands

*not being able to find the right color crayon when coloring with a kid

*housework

*having my husband in Germany and not going to bed before 4 for a week since I cannot sleep. He gets home late Sunday. But dang, I hate this.

hmm maybe there is a post in this somewhere...
T.

TentCamper said...

Where did you get that piture of me? No need to poke fun my man.

Speedos at the beach
Decaf coffee
People that take 20 minute to get out of a freaking HUGE parking spot
Indoor playgrounds (in Southern California)

Anissa Mayhew said...

Ok, you lost me at the picture. I'm just a little blind now. THANKS.

Redneck Mommy said...

Dude. I've seen Loralee's breasticles. And they are a thing of true beauty. There is no way I'd ever confuse the them with hairy moobs.

I am rather curious as to why you took a pic of YOUR moobs, sent it to Loralee and then publicly posted said picture on your blog.

Your wife must be sooooo proud.

Heh.

But since we are sharing, here's a few of my moobs.

*People who chew bubble gum.
*Iced mochas that are half melted before you take the first sip.
*How you keep trying to horn in on my girl, Fadkog.
*Errant chin hairs.

Just so you know. Heh.

browerfamilyof5 said...

Here's my Moob List...

People that fish for compliments... it's annoying. When someone asks if they look fat in something (when they know damn well they don't) I tell them "Hell, YES!" It takes care of the problem- they don't ask me for my opinion after that.

"Max and Ruby". 'Nuff said.

The "new" apple pies from McDonalds- by now they're old, but I like the old, old ones better.

Severely old and/or overweight women who insist on making sure the whole world KNOWS they are wearing thongs.

Longwinded commenters- whaddya know, I'm on my own Moobs List.;)

Zoeyjane said...

Can I add Toopie and Binoo to the Moobs list?

I'd gladly trade you spots and you could stay at home with Erin and my girl, Isobel, if I could go to school for you. Damn, I miss school.

I think the commute might suck, though.

Lori said...

people who wave you through intersections when it is clearly your turn *anyway* are the worst. their irritated little wave, like they are *allowing* you to cross. oh, don't get me started.

bejewell said...

Osacr's got it easy. The REAL victim on that show is Bert. Poor, poor Bert. I've had some shit roommates in my life, but none of them EVER woke me up in the middle of the night to sing so loudly about what good friends we were that I ended up on the floor of the kitchen just to get a little sleep.

I hate Ernie almost as much as I hate Elmo. And I've also given the social dynamics on Sesame Street WAY too much thought.

Loralee Choate said...

I can't believe you printed that photo I took of Redneckmommy's cleavage at blogher.

(She's totally going to kill you!)

heh heh heh

Manager Mom said...

Oh oh oh. That picture. My eyes...they burn.

KT said...

I can't get past the picture. I can't even comment............arg. Gross.

Undomestic Diva said...

Anyone else feel like biting into a large, fuzzy peach after seeing that photo?

And I could've sworn that wasn't so much a pair of moobs as it was a shot of a guy's testicles playing peek-a-boo with his ass. Hmm.

Kelley said...

Dude I have another thing for you to add to your hate list. Well it is more a suck it up and be dead jealous list.

I am a freaking PIRATE. You heard me. A PIRATE. So hate me cause I just became that little bit more awesome. If that is even at all possible.

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

big bird is kind of a dick.

Ashley said...

Allergies suck moobs too.

loudange said...

you should warn someone about that picture before you accidentally scroll down and see it, I'm traumatized!!!

caramama said...

I am so with you and lori about the people at intersections. They drive me nuts! Let's just all pay attention and go on our turn, mkay?

Another driving one for the list is people who don't know how to drive into, around and out of traffic circles. It's pretty common sense, and there are appropriate yield signs posted. What is wrong with people?

whensheworeponytails said...

I agree with you on Oscar. You know who else was given the short end of the stick? Nellie Olson. I know we all remember she was so mean or whatever but when my kids where watching reruns of that show recently (while asking me if that was what my childhood was like...gee thanks) I noticed that Laura was just as mean. Sometimes meaner.

I also hate those wavers. I call them "Magnanimous Assholes". Just follow traffic rules would you and stop trying to make yourself feel so great about your willingness to push your brake pedal.

whensheworeponytails said...

Also, I thought that picture was a butt crack. I'm kind of relieved to find out it's not.

kittenpie said...

ARguing iwth a four-year-old is also the moobs. As is my house and the fact that I have two days left before Pumpkinpie starts school and another two before the Bun comes out, and won't be spending any of it doing fun things with the kid or relaxing. Moobs, I tell you. And moobs are yucky.

Mescalero said...

I call them breasticles

Backpacking Dad said...

kateanon: lasers. use lasers. not a blowtorch. trust me.

FADKOG: I'm going to e-mail you before I post next time so you can be ready with the first comment.

megan: yeah, I don't know how I'm going to deal with it yet.

ali: throwing away my gladiator sandals right now....

apathetic bliss: powerwashers! I know, there was one outside yesterday while I was trying to nap. Screw cleanliness! it's sleepytime.

aunt becky: you are scaring me.

swirl girl: burnt garlic smells and tastes terrible. low to medium low heat. just to kiss it.

mandy: that's a moob list in itself.

anna: I had no idea. Really?

t: Emily thought it was a butt too.

tentcamper: nobody needs to see speedos at the beach. nobody.

anissa mayhew: you're welcome

redneck mommy: errant chinhairs? yours or mine?

browerfamilyof5: does this blog post make me look fat?

zoeyjane: who the hell are toopie and binoo? No. Don't tell me. I'm sure I'll find out.

lori: they are such martyrs.

bejewell: oh, poor bert. at least it's his boyfriend doing it though, and not a bunch of random kids egged on by a giant bird.

loralee: see what happened there? I denied they were yours, RNM accused me of posting a pic of mine, and then you come along and out them as hers. I guess by "errant chin hair" she really meant "boob carpet".

manager mom: you can thank me later.

kt: even moobs need love, kt.

undomestic diva: oh no. Now I'll never be able to look at that pic without thinking of moobsticles.

kelley: You're a pirate? Did you know that there's a national pirate day coming up at some point soon? of course you did.

jenny the bloggess: yeah. he's an oblivious dick, though so he's all "Who me?"

ashley: I'm allergic to moob dander.

loudange: bill me. :}

caramam: European Vacation. I went to Ireland a couple of years ago and drove and they have nothing but traffic circles everywhere. I was so awesome at it by the time I came home.

whensheworeponytails: "magnanimous assholes" is perfect. Perfect.

kittenpie: I'm totally replying to this after your due date!!! Is the baby here??

mescalero: yes. that's awesome.

The Microblogologist said...

I am totally two-sided with the whole "wave across" thing. When I am driving I want bike riders and people walking to go before me. When I am walking I want the car to go first and will stand way back and pretend to ignore them until they go. I totally have trust issues... I don't trust idiot pedestrians to not run in front of my car (it has happened too many times, damn lemmings), and I don't trust cars not to go and hit me (this has almost happened several times). Other cars I only wave when I think it is their turn or I am not sure who got there first and want to avoid the awkward stand off.

I HATE that summer is over, it is getting down into the 40's at night, snow is likely not far behind...

Karen

blissfullycaffeinated said...

Oh my god, I stopped reading at "People who wave me through intersections." Because, YES! Someone else is saying something I think all the time. I DON'T NEED YOU (other drivers) TO TELL ME WHEN TO GO. BUT THANKS. AND EFF OFF.

I might be missing the point, but that's what I got out of it.

Also - Oscar the Victim? Freaking hilarious.

Threeboys1mommy said...

A. How did a picture of my husbands moobs end up on the internet?

B. I had to Google moobs + dad to get here.